November 6, 2008: Confrontation

Dear Friend,

I don’t like confrontation. I grew up in an environment where confrontation was dealt with very unhealthily. Usually someone ended up getting physically hurt after all was said and done. I especially don’t like confrontation between friends. You’d think such confrontation would be easier to deal with, as having a mutual brotherly/sisterly/brotherly-sisterly love for each other, each should be able to have the patience and maturity to deal with whatever problems arise. However, my previous experiences with confrontation usually influence my prevention of any kind of future confrontation, especially with friends. That being said, the confrontations I had this week were exceedingly difficult for me to have.

Vali was my host brother last month. He’s also a volunteer for A.R.T. Fusion and has had some theatre training. As I’ve gotten to know him, I’ve discovered that he’s very intelligent, articulate, charismatic, and generally loved by his fellow volunteers. I’ve also noticed in him a great desire to do theatre, to continue working the theatre muscles he developed during his training, and a proactive attitude towards pursuing the goals surrounding such desires. Because of his training, though, Vali has a certain arrogant attitude towards his fellow volunteers. He has mentioned to me on a couple occasions his malcontent for the lack of training the volunteers have and also expressed his desire to lead his own workshops for the organization so as to correct their shortcomings. As I’ve watched his interactions with the others, I’ve seen in his rather harsh attitude an immature desire to control the artistic trajectory of any given project the organization is working on. He’s impatient and even condescending with the other volunteers, who freely admit that they’ve had little if any training in theatre.

Vali and I were to co-lead a workshop in a couple weeks about forum theatre. I’ll admit that as I observed more of Vali’s negative attitude with the volunteers, I became more hesitant to work with him. However, I wanted to affirm his desire to lead part of a workshop, something he’s wanted to do for so long, so I continued to plan to co-lead with him. I was reminding myself that I was in a different culture and that the interactions of people in a different country are different than the interactions of people in mine. I was even told by some Romanians I met here that aggressive behavior between friends and family members is quite normal and that no harm is meant by it. I, therefore, tried to put aside any concerns I had about Vali’s attitude.

My concerns, however, continued to grow with each new observation, so much so that I eventually felt I had to break my silence. I was unable to express my concerns directly to Vali at the time, for a number of reasons, so instead went to Carmen, who was one of my coordinators and in charge of the forthcoming workshop. I also expressed my concerns to Maria, another one of my coordinators. My concerns echoed similar concerns had by both of them, and a meeting was scheduled with Vali’s sister, Iris. Carmen was out of the country at this point, but Maria, Iris, and I managed to have a meeting wherein I expressed in as articulate terms as I could the concerns I had.

As I so strongly dislike confrontation, the expressing of my concerns was quite difficult. I had no intention of harming Vali in any way, but I felt his attitude needed to change in order for him to lead the workshop with me. In my discussions with Carmen and Maria on the matter, I discovered what I had been dreading from the beginning. Such an attitude change would be very difficult for Vali to undergo with only a little time remaining before the workshop. Iris, to her credit, also observed this difficulty, and put it forth to me that I should decide right away whether I felt I could lead the workshop with Vali or not. I decided then, based on what I knew and after much thought on the matter, that I could not lead the workshop with him.

As an artist Christian, I’ve grown in the past four years to believe strongly that theatre is for everyone and that, therefore, everyone has something to contribute to theatre. That being said, the safe and nurturing environment of Northwestern College’s theatre department is an environment I wish to bring with me everywhere I go. The talk I had with the high school students, for instance, was a time where I wanted to create a safe and nurturing environment where everyone could contribute to the discussion. The ideal I wish to engender is one that infers that we are all, as human beings, on a journey. As a Christian especially, I am on a journey to be more Christ-like. As an artist, I am on a journey to become not only better, but to explore and discover. As a student, I am on a journey to learn, ask questions, and join the conversations with other students and teachers that have been going on for centuries. That’s the environment, the ideal that I wanted to bring here to Romania, specifically to A.R.T. Fusion. The “yes, and” idea that we are all on a journey together, so let’s learn together, share together, make mistakes together, and nurture each other towards becoming better people and, therefore, better artists. I didn’t see this in Vali, and that’s what concerned me.

The meeting with Maria and Iris happened yesterday, right before we left for the club where the forum theatre piece was performed. Today I woke up, showered, and made my way to the office with the dreadful thought in my head about when I would see Vali and have to explain my position to him. This would end up being the ultimate confrontation, where I would have to explain why I was taking him away from what I knew he wanted and, what’s more, how I thought he needed an attitude adjustment. I felt like crap. I prayed about it, argued with myself about it, but eventually consigned to the belief that I was doing the right thing. These concerns weren’t just mine, but were shared with others in the organization, which meant that something had to be done. Ultimately, I was hoping to help Vali, to bring to his attention the things about his character that were not only keeping him from having fruitful experiences with the others but also keeping him from gaining the kind of respect I knew he was looking for. I wanted him to be able to lead his workshops, to give advice to his colleagues, and to continue enjoying theatre, but not with an attitude of arrogance and condescension.

When I arrived at the office, Iris told me she spoke with Vali and that he was okay with the decision. There was also an email waiting for me from Vali when I turned on my laptop. He said he wasn’t angry, sad, or upset. He went on in an almost indifferent attitude, as if I had simply told him that I wouldn’t share my lunch with him. He wondered why I hadn’t told him in person and wondered why I hadn’t just accepted the challenge of leading a workshop with someone I didn’t agree with. This told me he was missing the point, which was understandable as he hadn’t heard my explanation yet. This meant that the next thing I had to do was reply to his email with my explanation.

The email took a couple of hours, but felt like it took much longer than that. I firstly expressed my thanks for his understanding about the situation, or at least for not being overly angry with me, and for his desire to, in a sense, discuss the issue rationally. I continued by explaining my position as an American in Romania, a student from a Christian liberal arts theatre program, and how these things effected my perspective in way I wasn’t certain was being objective. I also expressed my beliefs about theatre that were based in Northwestern’s practices and ideals. Finally, as best and as bluntly as I could, I told him the reasons behind my decision about the workshop. I made it clear that my decision was made with the best intentions for everyone, but mostly for his sake as I desired for him to realize his error and correct it. I wanted him to keep doing theatre because I knew he was good and I wanted him to keep doing theatre with others. However, I wanted him to keep doing theatre with patience and understanding towards those who may not know as much as he did.

Diana told me she was happy I had gone through this experience, as it would help me with future confrontations. I knew, somberly, that this had been a learning experience, but one of the kind where you really wish you could’ve learned another way. I did eventually get a phone call from Vali (before he had read my email) and another email in reply to mine. In both instances he expressed without anger or resentment how much he appreciated me artistically and as a friend. In the email he expressed his unending gratitude for having finally expressed myself and opened up in a way he had been wanting since we had met. I once again felt a sense of guilt that comes only when I feel I should’ve done something earlier than I had actually done it, i.e. opening up.

“Another day in the life” I once heard about someone who was doing their best to live day by day, as each day brings its own challenges and obstacles. That’s honestly how this day felt. It was important that I made the decision I made for the reasons I did. The reasons were also important. It was important that I said what I said in the email and had the correspondence with Vali. It was important, all that had happened this week. Why then, while not as much, do I feel like crap?

Blessings.
Kailen