October 28, 2008: Frustrations! Reminders!

Dear Friend,

I think it was the cold shower this morning that set the stage for a rather miserable day. I made it to the office, which either meant I was feeling better or ignoring any residual symptoms (either is possible,) so we can be thankful for one thing. Things just seemed to keep getting worse, though, but to keep from doing a lot of unnecessary complaining, I’ll refrain from detailing everything. Suffice it to say, a lot of my frustration came from experiencing things that were clearly out of my control to change (i.e. no hot water in the morning!)

A lot of my frustration was also from thinking about things back home. It’s somewhat of a tumultuous time in the lives of my family right now, though things have simmered somewhat since the end of the summer. Still, all the family drama is so unnecessary and I just wish everyone involved would realize that. I doubt very much, though, that doing a forum theatre piece on the oppression I’m facing would’ve helped to alleviate my mood. Again, these were all things out of my control. Unfortunately, reminding me of that fact only made me more frustrated.

Oh, what an arrogant man I am. To think that I could have the smallest amount of control of the circumstances in my life is quite laughable. I suppose this all hearkens back to what the heart wants. I remember that much of my thoughts today were of the “I want now!” variety. There wasn’t much joy surfacing as I considered my trials.

Sometimes it takes frustrations like these to put us back in our place. I don’t think God sits up in heaven and holds us at arms length as we swing our fists indignantly. Then again, maybe He does. Sometimes that’s what we need. I do believe, though, that today was a bit of a wake up call to Kailen, letting him know he wasn’t the center of the universe. Not only is that humbling (putting me back in my place,) but it also makes me realize the things I’ve taken for granted. Either that or it’s helped me to realize just how demanding I truly am. That I should demand my laptop to boot up and be ready to serve me the moment I open it not only shows how much I take for granted, but also how much I’ve convinced myself of things I deserve. That’s a dangerous word: deserve. What do we “deserve?” That’s a great question to ask someone from the States. What, as an American, do I “deserve?” Thoughts to ponder, friend.

Blessings.
Kailen