October 15, 2008: Self-Reflection

Dear Friend,

Iris asked me last night how I enjoyed Cluj. I told her I enjoyed it very much. This surprised her, as she believed I hadn’t interacted a whole lot with the others while we were there. I felt a pang of guilt at hearing that. It’s true, I didn’t interact all that much with the others. I tried explaining to her why this had been the case, stating that aside from how busy and exhausting the entire experience had been I was also trying to feel out the dynamics of the group. It was difficult, being an introvert, to understand the dynamics of the group in such a way that I’d be able to socialize and contribute to the group. I also mentioned how embarrassed I was about the chocolate covered cherry and making supper and how both instances contributed to my non-socializing. The chocolate covered cherry incident was especially embarrassing for me. Eugen had told me that it was good I was “over-reacting” as the group had gotten the opportunity to see me open up. I don’t want my “opening up” to only happen when I over-react.

I’m beginning to think, though that there’s more than just my introversion that’s hampering my interaction with the others. I think, in fact, it’s some passive aggressive form of pride, hiding under the guise of wanting to make a good impression. I remember during grade school, a favorite teacher of mine would always give the same speech before the class went on a field trip. “Remember,” he would say, “you represent your family, your school, your community, and yourselves.” We had to behave everywhere we went. We had to make a good impression. I heard that speech a lot, knew it by heart, and believed firmly in its principals. I wanted to be the best at making a good impression. It was a very noble goal to have.

As I’ve completed the first half of my Romanian semester, I begin to think again about this idea of making a good impression and how it’s influenced my relationships. I still represent my family, my school, my community, and myself, but now I represent my country. It’s still a very noble goal to have, yet somehow I’ve misconstrued the goal. I’m so afraid of not making a good impression that I feel I’m keeping myself from doing much of anything. In a way, it’s a kind of fear induced paralysis. This may seem kind of harsh, as it is my first major cross-cultural experience, but there in hindsight I’m able to notice instances where my observations (accusations?) are quite valid.

I try to avoid awkward situations. I’ve been a part of or have witnessed so many awkward situations to know when one is imminent. I’m therefore usually able to avoid them. However, by avoiding them – or rather, by avoiding what I perceive will be an awkward situation – I feel I, in a way, cheat myself out of fruitful opportunities. I look at awkwardness as if it were a bad thing, something embarrassing or humiliating. Yet, awkward doesn’t have to mean bad. In fact, awkward can mean good. And anyways, I’m an American in Romania, so there are bound to be a number of really awkward moments.

I guess what I’m realizing as I think back on all the times I feel I’ve avoided an awkward situation, I can see a lost opportunity of investing. Usually, to avoid these awkward situations, I keep my mouth shut. I simply go with the flow of whatever’s happening and manage to come out alright. However, by keeping my mouth shut I’ve kept myself from investing, from interacting. And going with the flow is simply settling for whatever circumstances I’m in at the time, knowing I won’t have to settle with those circumstances for very long. That’s not investing.

This all stems back to the pride that I mentioned. It’s not a directly malicious pride. I’m not seeking to harm anyone, and I’ve only recently recognized this pride myself. However, it’s certainly indirectly malicious. It’s keeping me from investing in the people I meet and work with, or, more importantly, giving them the benefit of the doubt that they’ll be understanding of me. Investing would mean the existence of potential risk, which within the context of cross-cultural relations could become very awkward. This risk could lead to some kind of humiliation (i.e. setting off the fire alarm in the hostel your group is staying in, etc.) which would be accompanied by some uncomfortable embarrassment. No one in their right mind would wish for that. No one, that is, except for one person I know of.

Christ was willing to go through a lot of humiliation and embarrassment for the investment he made. What’s even more shocking is that he didn’t learn anything from investing. We did. We learned a lot through the investing of someone else. We learned that investing is what we’re called to do and that any humiliation or embarrassment we face – and we will face it, guaranteed – is all meant to add, in some way, to the glory of God. The first chapter of James begins with a challenge to consider all trials as opportunities to mature. So, any trials I face in investing are all opportunities for growth.

Also, if Christ lives in me, I shouldn’t have to worry about embarrassment. There is certainly grace enough for the times when I commit major cross-cultural infringements, so that would mean there is plenty of grace for a few awkward moments. God did not give me a spirit of fear, so I should not be afraid. As for making a good impression, the only person I should concentrate on representing is Christ, who is with me in all my awkward moments. Besides, the people I’m working with have already shown themselves to be understanding people. I think that should allow me to feel more ready to connect and to invest.

Blessings.
Kailen