October 17, 2008: Home Sick

Dear Friend,

Dave Nonnemacher told me that at some point I would get sick, and so I did. For some time now, the scratchiness in the back of my throat that I feel just about every morning when I wake up has been increasing. I’m usually able to get rid of it by mid-morning, but this time I decided to take a day off and rest. This meant I wouldn’t be able to partake in the trainings today, but I felt that considering my recent culture shock and my deteriorating health, I should take some time for myself. I was only able to stay at Iris’ flat until a little after noon, though, because the dogs kept scratching on the door and moaning and the bird wouldn’t shut up. So, I eventually got out of bed and went to the office.

I had the office to myself, which is what I wanted. I received a message a day ago from Hollyann telling me that she, Anne, Chelsea, Stacey, and Andrew would be in Bucureşti today on their way to Bulgaria for their midterm break and they wanted to hang out. I told them I probably wouldn’t be available until after five o’clock in the afternoon, but also told them where the office was. So, I waited and prayed that we would be able to meet.

As I sat in the office, I thought a lot about home. I really missed it. I knew, though, that I wouldn’t see it for another month and a half and tried to consign myself to that thought. I began to think about my culture shock again. Another way to say that you’re going through culture shock is to say that the “honeymoon phase” is over. By this time, in someone’s cross-cultural experience, the “romance” of being in a foreign country wears off and suddenly the real work begins, along with all the annoyance and even animosity that accompanies such a wake-up call. The honeymoon phase had certainly ended for me this weekend.

As there is such a thing as a honeymoon phase in something like a Romanian internship, I began to think of my experience in the context of marriage, or at least something involving a commitment of similar importance. People get very romantic about marriage. I’ll admit, even I do. I can be very cynical about marriage, but there’s still a small part of me that has remained untarnished by my parents’ divorce which still believes that marriage is a good thing. However, as I’ve grown and matured, I’ve uncovered more and more of what a marriage truly involves, and romance happens to be very little of even the icing on the cake. Therefore, it stands to reason that there’s so much more to spending a semester overseas than just the romance of it all.

So after the honeymoon phase in marriage, the real work begins. Suddenly you realize you’ve become a part of a relationship involving two separate, independently thinking entities. I mean, you’ve always known that, but now you actually realize it. Suddenly it’s not as much fun as you had intended it to be. What’s worse is that you no longer have any primary control over the way your relationship goes. You can choose to or not to do things that you hope bring something good to the relationship, but there’s also the factor of the other person in the relationship. I can imagine now, as a husband and wife return after their honeymoon and life kind of goes back to normal, each is going to have to fight not only the monotony but also the selfish desire to go after what they want within the monotony of everyday life. These are two separate people with very unique ideas, feelings, and needs that will be in competition with each other. It’s the duties of both members of the relationship to work out these competitions if they hope to continue what they’ve started. Either way, they shouldn’t expect their marriage will unfold the way they think it will. This can apply equally to what I’m going through now.

This all sounds rather morbid, but even within the context of Christianity I think it rings true. I think Christians especially, because they understand the importance of love in marriage, tend to romanticize even more the idea of marriage and thereby run the risk of completely deluding themselves into a situation they’re not fully prepared to face. Now, one can argue, is anyone truly prepared for marriage? No, but there are certainly those who more mature than others to enter marriage. As with my internship, marriage requires a degree of humility, which confesses the plain and simple fact that we only know a little bit of what we’re doing and know even less of what to expect. It also requires a degree of patience, which gets us through the tough times; trust, which allows us to remain individuals with individual thoughts, feelings, and actions; hope, which propels us into the future; and love, which drives every nanosecond of our lives together. That’s what marriage needs and that’s what I need in this internship, in this commitment. It’s not meant to be easy, and I should stop trying so hard to make it so. Instead, I should face the difficult times as difficult, learn from them, and move on.

Anne and Chelsea had decided to take a walk to see if I was at the office. Apparently they had tried earlier in the day, but I wasn’t there. I’m glad they tried one last time before their train left. I spent a good two hours with the group. Solita was in Hungary for midterm break, visiting friends from Calvin College. I confessed my culture shock to the others. I also spent most of the time talking their ears off about the discoveries I had been making recently after reading Theatre of the Oppressed. I had been cross-examining what I read there with what I had been reading about “shalom” in Plantinga’s Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be. I was very excited to be sharing my ideas with them, and they were very excited about my excitement. It was so good to see them and talk with them. I waited at the station as they got on their train and found their compartment, then watched and waved as their train pulled out. I then walked back to the bus stop by the office and headed back to Iris’ flat.

I had some of my homesickness alleviated today by the presence of friends. I was so thankful we actually got the chance to meet. Hollyann encouraged me to not “check out” even though my honeymoon phase had ended. I’m still amazed at how circumstances created such great friendships. I probably wouldn’t have formed friendships with the others had I not spent time with them in Lupeni and it’s possible I would’ve formed friendships with others had the semester abroad roster been different. That doesn’t matter, though. I’m just glad they are my friends and that they care for me so much. Knowing that helps me get my work done and even helps me to make friends with others. I hope that may continue.

Blessings.
Kailen