October 16, 2008: Culture Shock

Dear Friend,

Before I begin, I want you to understand, friend, the delicacy with which I want to address this situation, but also to understand that there probably isn’t anyway to delicately address it. This is something everyone experiences to some degree at some point in his or her cross-cultural experience. That being said, as this is a natural occurrence that is bound to happen, I’m not placing blame on anyone. However, I am going to express my feelings for the simple reason that not doing so would be lying and would only make the situation worse.

Last night was the most recent in a string of nights where I almost lost it. As I mentioned in yesterday’s entry, I usually find a way to just go with the flow. Sometimes this is the only thing I can do, whether I want to invest or not. Last night was a perfect example where I had to go with the flow. A.R.T. Fusion had a meeting that I attended. Everyone was speaking in Romanian and Eugen was trying very hard to translate for me, which became difficult as most of the time everyone was talking at the same time. I appreciated his effort, and obviously didn’t demand he do his job better as it was obvious way too many things were happening at once. Therefore, for the sake of not getting in the way and not being the “helpless American,” I simply sat patiently and waited for someone to address me. By the end of the night, no one really had, so I figured I was off the hook.

I then scheduled a time with Ana when we could meet regularly for my Romanian language lessons. To make up for lost time, we decided to meet tomorrow (which is actually today.) I knew that something was happening tomorrow with A.R.T. Fusion that I would be a part of, but I foolishly assumed that my part in the day would’ve been mentioned to me during the meeting. I was also hoping to speak with Carmen about the day, and even the weekend, so as to know concretely what my obligations would be. As she was still talking with three or four other people, I naturally waited patiently for my turn. I went upstairs to do some work, but a couple minutes later I heard Iris shout up to me that we would be leaving the office in two minutes. I quickly gathered my things and went downstairs. Carmen had already left, which meant I wouldn’t be able to speak with her.

It was as we made our way upstairs to Iris’ flat that I became exceedingly frustrated with the whole ordeal. Iris turned to me and rather bluntly told me I had to make some quick decisions. I had inconveniently scheduled my lessons during a time I would not be available. I hadn’t known this, so I asked Iris what the plan was for the day. Getting the actual plan out of her was difficult, as she couldn’t tell me what the plan was but could tell me when things were planned. I double and triple checked with her on the spot what the plans were so that I could know beyond the shadow of a doubt what would be going on. I then decided to cancel my language lessons and partake in A.R.T. Fusion’s plans.

A.R.T. Fusion would be working this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday with three high school student groups to stage forum theatre pieces they had written. The first two days would be training and the last day would be a day long festival where all three groups would present. As my internship deals heavily with working with forum theatre, it was obvious I would participate in some way, or at least observe. This is what I had wanted to discuss with Carmen, but as I hadn’t gotten that opportunity everything had gotten really jumbled and confused and I was the one who, naturally, had to fix it. Essentially, I had fallen victim to miscommunication, but on a level that had become exceedingly overwhelming.

I got to speak with Diana about this very thing today during our meeting. She told me I was experiencing culture shock, but not only from the miscommunication. If the culture shock had been rooted in the miscommunication, I highly doubt it would’ve hit me as hard as it did. No, I was experiencing a culture shock that had been building up from the moment I moved to the city. Bucureşti is hardly the easiest city to live in, and with my desires to make a good impression heaped on top of my belief that I could just go with the flow and make everyone else feel comfortable with me, I was mixing up a recipe for disaster. Disaster hit last night, and I was reaching out to Diana for some stability and semblance of order in what had become a very unstable and chaotic last couple of days. I was miserable and felt as if I had failed.

Diana, to her credit, knew exactly what I needed to hear, and after our conversation there were many things I had to begin to realize. First off, I’m not Romanian. I’m a college student from Orange City, Iowa, who, while having experienced his fair share of eye opening experiences, doesn’t really know how to live in the situation he’s living in. Just read my life story and you’ll understand. However, I took all the trials I had been through and molded them into some excuse for not experiencing culture shock in Romania. In fact, I wasn’t allowing myself even the possibility. So many times I had to keep myself going, not even acknowledge my trials for what they were, because if I did I would fall apart. That’s what I was trying to do here. Culture shock was out of the question for me, because I was better than that. I had to be.

Secondly, and this correlates well with the first point I made, I had to lower my expectations. Diana told me this. I was expecting so much of myself in this internship that my expectations were unreachable. In my head, I believed that as the first and only Northwestern student to do a cross-cultural internship, I had to, again, make a good impression. How I would do that, I’m not entirely sure, but part of it would be to avoid culture shock. Part of it, as I mentioned before, would also have to be avoiding awkward situations. I had to be a solid student, know the answers, and be able to work with anyone. This, in a sense, raised me to the status of some kind of superhuman or even god compared to the people I would be working with, which was very “ugly American” of me. Who was I to think that I was impervious to not only the usual craziness of any life but also the craziness of the life of an American working in Bucureşti? I mean, the very idea is not only absurd but also downright pompous.

I had essentially, at this point, hit rock bottom, but was still not allowing myself to acknowledge it. Yes, I was miserable, I was willing to allow myself that, but I had to keep going. I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers or rock the boat. I just wanted to keep going and suck it up, but even I realized the futility of that argument. So, Diana and I agreed that this had to be addressed, at least the issue of miscommunication. I would do my part in being more up front and even blunt about my needs, which would in and of itself be a great challenge for me, and Diana would speak with Carmen about A.R.T. Fusion doing their part. I’ve never been good about being blunt, and the idea of my needs again makes me feel like an inconvenience. However, I once again had to bring myself to understand that I am human and that I do have needs.

I spoke with Iris about my meeting with Diana. I simply wanted to clear the air, as there was much clearing that needed to be done between the two of us after last night. I don’t know how much clearing actually took place, as I was still quite irritated by the whole ordeal, and Iris didn’t offer much comfort, but I at least said my piece and told her where I was at, which she appreciated. I guess whatever expectation I had for comfort was kind of silly. Iris isn’t the type of person to beat around the bush. Also, I think the fact that we not only work but live together added to the stress. We were also getting physically sick from whatever cold was floating around during that time, so our social graces weren’t up to par. Again, very difficult to delicately address this situation.

Friend, these days are really difficult. I really just want to come home, but I also don’t want to give up. I’m torn between my two desires and am trying to depend on God, but I’m so overwhelmed. Please continue to pray.

Blessings.
Kailen